Teen Love Story, first Paragraph, please read? :)?

Agreed that it needs a hook of some kind. It just screams Gary Stu. You also meant 'I must have looked' not 'of.' *editing in* consistency errors too - you said side view from her locker - then leaning on the locker with one foot on it, which does give a strange mental picture. Why would his voice give her a fright? And when did he get close enough to offer a hand to shake?